Love is Messy.

Let me tell you about a thing called love.

(I know you're dying for that song now. Click here. You're welcome.)

Warning: No, I'm not married. Yes, I'm only 21 years old. I don't know everything about love, in fact I will probably look back in 20 years and laugh at my naivety. But, I do have an extensive love background in Taylor-Swift-song-belting, awkward school dances, accidentally saying "I love you" on a first date, learning how to put up boundaries, having my heart broken, learning how to say "no", breaking hearts, and falling in love again.

 Here is my take, take it or leave it :) 

Myth: Love is easy.
Myth: Love is pretty.
Myth: Love is perfect. 
Fact: Love is a hard, messy, flawed, beautiful thing.

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of knights and princes and Noah Calhoun, who would romance the socks off of Allie and any princess they chose. Their charm, wit, handsome smiles, and constant chivalrous gestures would sweep any girl off their feet. And like the end of any girlish fantasy, Hilary Duff kisses Chad Michael Murry in the rain ("waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought"..  I mean, presh), Bella is #TeamEdward, and the boy would sweep the princess off of her feet onto his white horse and they would gallop off into the fiery sunset where they would spend their days doing who-knows-what. I never really got that far.

Fact: it doesn't happen like that.

In real life, your prince is probably going to drive a 2006 Nissan Sentra and will be afraid of horses. In real life, kissing in the rain really sucks and gives you a cold. In real life, it's weird to date a vampire and Noah and Allie have tons of issues they need to work out.

In real life, your prince is going to have flaws. Huge faults that can rock your relationship to the core. Sometimes this prince can do really stupid things. Likewise, sometimes the princess is a little moody (or a lot). He is no Abercrombie Model, as you are not the primped, polished, Photoshopped model in the magazine. You have tons of flaws, too. You will get mad too easy, lash out for no reason, and cry too much. Love is not always a smiling, Valencia-filtered, Instagram photo. There are many moments of long silences, drawn out fights, hurtful words, and messy, mascara smeared, blubbering, angry, awkward, moments...

.. and that is OKAY!

Love is meant to be messy. We have learned to take the reality out of romance by Facebook stalking our newest love interests, posting our best selfie out of the 2000 we actually took, and obsessing over glamorized movies filled with fake lines. It's just not how it's supposed to be. Romance is meant to be awkward. There are supposed to be imperfections and zits and awkward giggles. It's real life, and love should be real, too.

True romance is the moment when you are fighting and you both look at each other and decide to give up. It is looking across the room and smirking because you are thinking the same thing. It's always listening to the drama you are having with your friends, and knowing when you need to be the good listener instead. It is embarrassing nicknames, breaking out in a severe allergic reaction on your first valentines day together (true story), snorting when you laugh, and knowing that sometimes he just needs some gas station sunflower seeds. Anything less, I have realized, is mediocre. 

Be real. Let down your walls. Share, teach, and excite the next generations with ideas of true romance.. not the fake, glass house stuff that we have been jaded by. Maybe then girls will daydream about late McDonalds runs, silly board game dates, and their smelly, funny, awkward, real prince, instead of feeling inadequate in the realness of love that they have and always searching for more. 

Maybe then, we will see a difference in divorce rates, heartbreak, and disappointed people who leave the second they find out the person they are with has a flaw. It's time to kill these stupid myths. 

 Dear 14 year old me, 

Have some grace toward yourself and that boy beside you. You're both figuring it out. By no means do I mean settle. Do not be afraid to walk away from something bad. Too many princesses have been duped into loving frogs. But, do not be disappointed by the beautiful, messy, reality that is love. Real romance does not have its own movie, its the person sitting next to you in the theater. You are a princess, and you deserve the world. It will just come packaged a little differently than you expected. 

PS. It's coming quicker than you think :)

Love, me.

Dear Jacob, 

You are so, so awesome. You have taught me what it is really like to love someone through it all and genuinely. Through surgery, through doubt, through tears, anger, and hurt, you have always chosen to love this messy, awkward, princess. I love that you are the prince that I get to ugly-cry in front of, fight with, talk too loud at dinner with, and cackle about jokes to. I would choose you over Noah any and everyday. You are my REAL love, and I am excited to learn more about love with you and for every step of this crazy life with you. XOXO :)

Love, me. 

Enough Already!

Much too often, I find myself feeling awkward. 

I catch myself laughing too loud, snorting, in someone's way, or worse, garbling words when I'm talking. This leads to a few moments of uncomfortable explaining and (when I'm at work) awkwardly laughing and walking away hoping that an asteroid will strike Chilis Temecula and kill me before I have a chance to bring them back their drinks. 

If I'm feeling particularly self-assured, I can usually calm myself by saying that "everyone feels awkward sometimes" or "everyone has accidentally addressed a man as ma'am", or on really bad days "everyone has dropped a ramekin full of ranch all over the front of their boss's boss's boss" (true story). 

However, as much as I hate to admit it, being "self-assured" is not one of the top traits I would use to describe myself. On the contrary, I often find myself laying in bed at night kicking myself for saying that joke that I thought was funny but everyone else ignored. I have spent too many nights overthinking, replaying, and regretting.

In this whole process of "growing up" I have learned a few things about life: 

Do not ever leave the house without a swimsuit or a sweatshirt. Always show up 15 minutes early to work. Do not spray tan. Also, the only person who will remember your awkward, unpolished, cackling laugh moments, is usually YOURSELF. 

It has been a long learning process with that last one. I am a self-admitted strong, loud, and emotional person.  Since I was 14 years old, I have ran over every boy I dated and made them cry (until  now :) ) and found myself struggling with the idea that I was too much to handle.

I feel like when we (girls) grow up in the world, we are reassured that we are not too little. You are thin enough, smart enough, strong enough. We have lots to offer the world, we just need to have confidence and speak up! However, I feel like there is a firm line drawn in the metaphorical sand of society saying.. you are certainly NOT too little, however, you can definitely be too much. Tone it down.

Society tells us that women who are outspoken, strong, and secure are obnoxious and too much. When did we start believing the lie that women who speak their mind are not dainty? That women who tell jokes and laugh loudly are obnoxious? Why do women that have a bold spirit need to "tone it down"?

I couldn't even tell you how many times I've been told to tone it down or keep it down. I once had  Bible teacher tell me that God desires women to have a gentle spirit, and then insinuated that I was definitely not in that category because I was too much. 

Now, I spit at that theology, but THEN, there was nothing telling me any different! All I knew is that I was a crazy ex-girlfriend, a loud speaker, a silly person, and a cackling laugh-er. Was I too much? 

When I decided to accept and love myself unabashedly for who I am, this part of self-love was a hard hurdle to jump over. Sure, I like my body well enough. I have the occasional pimple and red spot (as pictured above), but my skin does it's job and I kinda like my face! 

Instead, all of my anxiety was focused on my spirit. 

Was I too much? Was I gentle enough? Passive enough? How poised was I today? (AKA: how many awkward moments did I have?)

I would try desperately to change these things about myself, vowing to "speak less today". To not make a joke at dinner. To be passive, to be meek.

I really think that there is something to be said about a person who is meek. If you are a meek person, you are certainly enough as well. Meek people are gentle in a way that I am not, and usually very kind, but I have learned that while they have the meek attitude that I lack, they lack something that I have- ferocity.

My God is the God of all the universe- the person who made photons, apples, and galaxies.. oh, and me. To truly love myself I had to come to terms with the fact that I was made just as I was supposed to be- with a spirit that was gentle in the way that I care about people, the hurting, the lost, and the sad.  I certainly do not lack empathy. I am strong and secure and LOUD. I speak my mind. I say too much and I sometimes jumble my words saying it, but I still say it. I believe that God made my spirit this way for a reason- to stand up for the meek and to say what needs to be said. To encourage, to embolden. 

What people have always told me was "too much" is actually "just right". I am enough. I am perfectly made, God fashioned me with a strong spirit.. along with plenty of awkward moments, pimples, ranch spills, and all the other things I would rather photoshop out of my life. This is me. I am enough. Not too much, not too little. 

To the bold and "obnoxious", keep laughing loudly. Do not waste anymore time over thinking everything you said today. No more toning yourself down. No more silence vows or forced passivity. 

Be who you were created to be, and I promise you will change the world in a way no one else can.  

"I am enough. I am full of sparkle and compassion. 

I genuinely want to make the world a better place. 

I love hard. I practice kindness. I'm not afraid of the 

truth. I am loyal, adventurous, supportive and 

surprising. I am a woman. I am enough."

-Molly Mahar

15 Things I Wish I Knew at 15

I'm going to start out with something embarrassing.. but proof things change. This picture! haha. :)
This is me at 15.. and my mantra at 15.
Needless to say, I'm not the girl I was 6 years ago. Check out my Myspace page from back then for some reassurance.
I promise that life will change you and grow you.
Don't be scared to run with it. xoxo 




1. Stop fighting with your family, you need them these next four years.

2. Really, no one cares if you don't wear eyeliner one day. (Really.)

(Ps. This still applies at 19)

3. Your best friend in 9th grade probably won't be your best friend in 10th grade. That's okay.

4. Don't bite off more than you can chew.

5. Don't underestimate yourself, either. You. Got. This.

6. That jiggle in your thighs? That's called curves. Not everyone is lucky enough to have those. Embrace them.

7.  Myfakespace and Fakebookare filled with more drama than pictures that one girl has of herself. Stay as far away as you can!

(She types on the internet..)

8. Spend your time building your reputation, not defending it.

9. Don't gossip. Just don't go there. 

10. Don't fall in love too soon.

(This is my next blog topic. TBC.)

11. Don't grow up too fast!

12. Save some money. You won't, but don't say I didn't tell you.

13. You are worth more than cheap promises and grabby boys. Have enough respect for yourself to say no.. to dates and to running the bases. 

(yup, I just said that) (ps: you are doing awesome!)

14. You don't need a guy every second of your life. Be free and be young. Don't get tied down.

15. Take your heels off, get your hair wet at the pool, stay up too late. Have faith in people, yourself, and God. Let your positivity surprise you. Ask the hard questions and embrace the seasons of life that are coming your way. You'll never get this chance again.

Love, me.

Summer Lovin'.. and Looking Back

Okay, so this post is probably going to be different then the title suggests.. Hear me out.

I didn't have a steamy romance, go somewhere exotic, or spend every day on the beach drinking a (virgin) Piña Colada. Well, at least not in real life. No promises about my mental state.

Instead, I spent 12-15 hours a day waitressing in a cozy dining room at a camp in Forest Falls, CA. I got to wear a bow-tie and eat A LOT of desserts (Rice Krispies still bring me back); oh and I kind of learned a whole lot about myself too:


I believe that this summer I changed.. somewhat drastically. There is nothing like laying on top of a 6 story high water tower during a meteor shower, or being able to smell when a storm is coming, to make you feel small.. or to just make you feel again.

The fact is, I had a hard time with myself before this summer.

I was always measuring myself on a scale of what I wanted myself to be...

Instead of loving and embracing myself for who I was.

I was constantly worried about how I looked in my parents, peers, school admins, and my friend's eyes. I know they didn't put the pressure on me, but I also know that I was always trying to please them.

I was trying to please everyone, but myself. And it worked.

I had friends, boyfriends, an ASB position, and a great family life for a year or two.
But, as life always seems to do, it all changed in a moment.

Looking back, it's hard to pinpoint an event and point at it and cry, "There! That's where and why it all changed!" I don't know how to explain when or why, except for saying.. My heart began to hurt. All the time. In moments where I laughed, I was still aching. I didn't know what it was or why, I just knew that I was never happy.

My friends left. 

Betrayal, gossip, bullying and drama became my life. I would wake up to find my house egged or sardines in my lawn, where someone threw them. I wasn't accepted in my peers eyes anymore, I knew that.

The posts on Facebook after would say, "Fed the whale in Temecula her sardines last night!"

I knew I was hurting, but I was fat too?

I cried. I cried a lot. 

I tried to cope by working harder and eating less. I took on more hours at work.. on top of softball practice.. on top of a serious relationship.

I still cried. 

I didn't get much sleep, I slacked off in school and snapped at my parents due to sheer exhaustion, and I would take any friendship I could find. I relied on my boyfriend's compliments and support to help me function.

And it was still barely functioning. I didn't want to die, but I didn't have anything to live for. I remember waking up, rolling out of bed, putting my hair up and a sweatshirt on, and just praying the day would go by quickly. I got into every college I applied to, and couldn't go to any of them. I ended up at the one school I did NOT want to go to.

Not feeling adequate in any area in my life was not okay with me. But I didn't know how to reach out. So I didn't. I just kept hurting and I just kept it in until I didn't even feel anything anymore.

And then ... Forest Home.

The people there didn't let me go unnoticed.

I can't adequately explain the impact those 16 people had on my life. 

They accepted me, quirks and all (even the weirdest parts), wholeheartedly. Not once did I feel judged. And not once did I cry.

The environment and the people urged me to evaluate my relationship with God. 

I not only re-evaluated, I re-built. 

..and I laughed again. I cried happy tears. I danced like an idiot and I smiled at guests who were rude to me. I learned to accept my body the way it was, love handles and all.

I even brushed off the whale comments.

(I decided that whales were the coolest animals. They are the most hunted animal on earth because everyone wants a piece of them. ;) Oh... and they can eat whatever they want without worrying about their thighs)

I learned to lean on God for my identity, and being a daughter of the Most High King (just like you!!), it's kinda hard not to believe that you are outlandishly special. 

I grew up a lot this summer, to the point where I had to adjust when I came home. Everyone told me that I was different. I knew what it really was. I found joy. 

So, thank you to the people who invested in me this summer. Thank you to the people who dealt with me before. Thank you to my family for making me "take a leap of faith", and thank you to God, who I have faith in.

I love you guys! 

Here is to our summer. 

Love, Bria. 

PS. If you struggle with any of this, please message me! I would love to invest in you and encourage you and just plain walk beside you. I've been in your shoes and I know a bit about how you feel. Also, I'm an open book. Just do it. <3