I catch myself laughing too loud, snorting, in someone's way, or worse, garbling words when I'm talking. This leads to a few moments of uncomfortable explaining and (when I'm at work) awkwardly laughing and walking away hoping that an asteroid will strike Chilis Temecula and kill me before I have a chance to bring them back their drinks.
If I'm feeling particularly self-assured, I can usually calm myself by saying that "everyone feels awkward sometimes" or "everyone has accidentally addressed a man as ma'am", or on really bad days "everyone has dropped a ramekin full of ranch all over the front of their boss's boss's boss" (true story).
However, as much as I hate to admit it, being "self-assured" is not one of the top traits I would use to describe myself. On the contrary, I often find myself laying in bed at night kicking myself for saying that joke that I thought was funny but everyone else ignored. I have spent too many nights overthinking, replaying, and regretting.
In this whole process of "growing up" I have learned a few things about life:
Do not ever leave the house without a swimsuit or a sweatshirt. Always show up 15 minutes early to work. Do not spray tan. Also, the only person who will remember your awkward, unpolished, cackling laugh moments, is usually YOURSELF.
It has been a long learning process with that last one. I am a self-admitted strong, loud, and emotional person. Since I was 14 years old, I have ran over every boy I dated and made them cry (until now :) ) and found myself struggling with the idea that I was too much to handle.
I feel like when we (girls) grow up in the world, we are reassured that we are not too little. You are thin enough, smart enough, strong enough. We have lots to offer the world, we just need to have confidence and speak up! However, I feel like there is a firm line drawn in the metaphorical sand of society saying.. you are certainly NOT too little, however, you can definitely be too much. Tone it down.
Society tells us that women who are outspoken, strong, and secure are obnoxious and too much. When did we start believing the lie that women who speak their mind are not dainty? That women who tell jokes and laugh loudly are obnoxious? Why do women that have a bold spirit need to "tone it down"?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've been told to tone it down or keep it down. I once had Bible teacher tell me that God desires women to have a gentle spirit, and then insinuated that I was definitely not in that category because I was too much.
Now, I spit at that theology, but THEN, there was nothing telling me any different! All I knew is that I was a crazy ex-girlfriend, a loud speaker, a silly person, and a cackling laugh-er. Was I too much?
When I decided to accept and love myself unabashedly for who I am, this part of self-love was a hard hurdle to jump over. Sure, I like my body well enough. I have the occasional pimple and red spot (as pictured above), but my skin does it's job and I kinda like my face!
Instead, all of my anxiety was focused on my spirit.
Was I too much? Was I gentle enough? Passive enough? How poised was I today? (AKA: how many awkward moments did I have?)
I would try desperately to change these things about myself, vowing to "speak less today". To not make a joke at dinner. To be passive, to be meek.
I really think that there is something to be said about a person who is meek. If you are a meek person, you are certainly enough as well. Meek people are gentle in a way that I am not, and usually very kind, but I have learned that while they have the meek attitude that I lack, they lack something that I have- ferocity.
My God is the God of all the universe- the person who made photons, apples, and galaxies.. oh, and me. To truly love myself I had to come to terms with the fact that I was made just as I was supposed to be- with a spirit that was gentle in the way that I care about people, the hurting, the lost, and the sad. I certainly do not lack empathy. I am strong and secure and LOUD. I speak my mind. I say too much and I sometimes jumble my words saying it, but I still say it. I believe that God made my spirit this way for a reason- to stand up for the meek and to say what needs to be said. To encourage, to embolden.
What people have always told me was "too much" is actually "just right". I am enough. I am perfectly made, God fashioned me with a strong spirit.. along with plenty of awkward moments, pimples, ranch spills, and all the other things I would rather photoshop out of my life. This is me. I am enough. Not too much, not too little.
To the bold and "obnoxious", keep laughing loudly. Do not waste anymore time over thinking everything you said today. No more toning yourself down. No more silence vows or forced passivity.
Be who you were created to be, and I promise you will change the world in a way no one else can.
"I am enough. I am full of sparkle and compassion.
I genuinely want to make the world a better place.
I love hard. I practice kindness. I'm not afraid of the
truth. I am loyal, adventurous, supportive and
surprising. I am a woman. I am enough."
-Molly Mahar
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