Summer Lovin'.. and Looking Back

Okay, so this post is probably going to be different then the title suggests.. Hear me out.

I didn't have a steamy romance, go somewhere exotic, or spend every day on the beach drinking a (virgin) Piña Colada. Well, at least not in real life. No promises about my mental state.

Instead, I spent 12-15 hours a day waitressing in a cozy dining room at a camp in Forest Falls, CA. I got to wear a bow-tie and eat A LOT of desserts (Rice Krispies still bring me back); oh and I kind of learned a whole lot about myself too:


I believe that this summer I changed.. somewhat drastically. There is nothing like laying on top of a 6 story high water tower during a meteor shower, or being able to smell when a storm is coming, to make you feel small.. or to just make you feel again.

The fact is, I had a hard time with myself before this summer.

I was always measuring myself on a scale of what I wanted myself to be...

Instead of loving and embracing myself for who I was.

I was constantly worried about how I looked in my parents, peers, school admins, and my friend's eyes. I know they didn't put the pressure on me, but I also know that I was always trying to please them.

I was trying to please everyone, but myself. And it worked.

I had friends, boyfriends, an ASB position, and a great family life for a year or two.
But, as life always seems to do, it all changed in a moment.

Looking back, it's hard to pinpoint an event and point at it and cry, "There! That's where and why it all changed!" I don't know how to explain when or why, except for saying.. My heart began to hurt. All the time. In moments where I laughed, I was still aching. I didn't know what it was or why, I just knew that I was never happy.

My friends left. 

Betrayal, gossip, bullying and drama became my life. I would wake up to find my house egged or sardines in my lawn, where someone threw them. I wasn't accepted in my peers eyes anymore, I knew that.

The posts on Facebook after would say, "Fed the whale in Temecula her sardines last night!"

I knew I was hurting, but I was fat too?

I cried. I cried a lot. 

I tried to cope by working harder and eating less. I took on more hours at work.. on top of softball practice.. on top of a serious relationship.

I still cried. 

I didn't get much sleep, I slacked off in school and snapped at my parents due to sheer exhaustion, and I would take any friendship I could find. I relied on my boyfriend's compliments and support to help me function.

And it was still barely functioning. I didn't want to die, but I didn't have anything to live for. I remember waking up, rolling out of bed, putting my hair up and a sweatshirt on, and just praying the day would go by quickly. I got into every college I applied to, and couldn't go to any of them. I ended up at the one school I did NOT want to go to.

Not feeling adequate in any area in my life was not okay with me. But I didn't know how to reach out. So I didn't. I just kept hurting and I just kept it in until I didn't even feel anything anymore.

And then ... Forest Home.

The people there didn't let me go unnoticed.

I can't adequately explain the impact those 16 people had on my life. 

They accepted me, quirks and all (even the weirdest parts), wholeheartedly. Not once did I feel judged. And not once did I cry.

The environment and the people urged me to evaluate my relationship with God. 

I not only re-evaluated, I re-built. 

..and I laughed again. I cried happy tears. I danced like an idiot and I smiled at guests who were rude to me. I learned to accept my body the way it was, love handles and all.

I even brushed off the whale comments.

(I decided that whales were the coolest animals. They are the most hunted animal on earth because everyone wants a piece of them. ;) Oh... and they can eat whatever they want without worrying about their thighs)

I learned to lean on God for my identity, and being a daughter of the Most High King (just like you!!), it's kinda hard not to believe that you are outlandishly special. 

I grew up a lot this summer, to the point where I had to adjust when I came home. Everyone told me that I was different. I knew what it really was. I found joy. 

So, thank you to the people who invested in me this summer. Thank you to the people who dealt with me before. Thank you to my family for making me "take a leap of faith", and thank you to God, who I have faith in.

I love you guys! 

Here is to our summer. 

Love, Bria. 

PS. If you struggle with any of this, please message me! I would love to invest in you and encourage you and just plain walk beside you. I've been in your shoes and I know a bit about how you feel. Also, I'm an open book. Just do it. <3